


Forcing Light Through Our Veins

by tiredly



Series: Whisper Something [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: AUTHOR IS SALTY ABOUT S7, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Black Paladin Lance (Voltron), Canon Related, Fix-It, Freeform, M/M, Post-Break Up, Reunion, Shiro (Voltron) Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Slow Burn, lovers to strangers to lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-10
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2019-06-25 07:49:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15636390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tiredly/pseuds/tiredly
Summary: And then there were the dreams that, though it seemed impossible, were somehow worse. Ones that weren’t full of harsh, glowing yellow eyes, but instead gentle, brown ones, and a smile to match them. Coffee fingerprints on the kitchen counter-top. Long fingers, pushing glasses further up onto a pointed nose. Small, teasing grins.These dreams were the ones that, in another time, Shiro would never believe could be the worst thing to anticipate at night.





	Forcing Light Through Our Veins

_ “We’re going home.” _

Funny word, home. Defined as a place of residence, the area where one lived. A house, a state, a country. Even a planet, technically, was a home. Objectively. Of course. 

But that was all assuming that someone actually  _ was _ alive. 

_ That’s dramatic, _ Shiro reminded himself. He was breathing. He was moving. 

He rubbed his prosthetic thumb over his wrist, right where his electronic stimulators used to rest.  Back on Earth, it had been somewhat of an absent minded habit. Obviously, after being captured by the Galra during the Kerberos mission, he lost them - it then turned from a casual brush to a desperate reminder of his own feeling, his own humanity. 

He pressed down a little harder, feeling the slow hum of quintessence pulsing through the finger on his artery. It almost mimicked the feeling that the stimulators themselves gave.

He was breathing. He was moving. Made of cells, with working internal systems that maintain homeostasis. So, yes. Alive.

Home. He was going home.

But he wasn’t really, was he, because it had been so long since Earth that he barely remembered what it felt like. He barely remembered the sound of birds chirping, of rain falling, of crickets filling the night with just enough sound to fall asleep to (Sleep. Huh. That was foreign to Shiro, too, but what else was new).

Going home. What was home, again? Home should be a place, right? A place of residence, where you stay, where you spend time at, where you live. Home. 

The most recent few months had been spent dead. His consciousness restless in the Black Lion. Was that his home? It could be. Had he been there long enough to call it home? Five months. That was long enough, wasn’t it?

It felt like minutes. Years. Seconds. How would he know? He was dead. Did it really count as a home if he was dead?

_ Had been. _ He  _ had been _ dead. 

The rest of his time since Earth was spent on the castleship. Blown to pieces, already scattered across the galaxy, no doubt. Maybe a shard would end up near Earth. His home that wasn’t a home, next to his home that wasn’t a home. 

If it truly  _ had _ to be a place, if there was no other option, then he was out of luck. All of those were gone. But maybe, if it didn’t, if home could be something else - a feeling, a sound, a person…

Well. He still wouldn’t have one, really.  

_ But,  _ he thought, looking up from the table at the rest stop just in time to watch Lance kiss a dab of whipped cream off of Keith’s blushing red face as Hunk howled with laughter,  _ he had his team.  _ And that would be enough. 

 

-

 

_ “It’s only for a year, yeah?” _

_ “Yeah. Hey, cheer up. It’s not gonna be for a while. They’re expecting another year in preparation at the very least. But… I  _ am  _ gonna miss you.” _

_ “You could always take me with you?” _

_ “Sounds perfect. You’ll go in my suitcase, and we’ll have a backup pilot. In case I drop dead in the middle of the mission. Iverson doesn’t ever need to know. Sound good to you?” _

_ “Oh, yeah. Senior prank all over again, huh?” _

_ “Maybe we can finally tie the knot on Kerberos. Get Matt ordained or something. He’d go wild. The first marriage in outer space.” _

_ “Just another record broken by Takashi Shirogane, yeah?” _

_ “Ha. Something like that. Or maybe the idea of a four month honeymoon on our way back to Earth is appealing.” _

_ “You’re ridiculous.” _

_ “And I’m your fiancé. Sweet deal.” _

_ “Go to sleep already, you dork.” _

_ “Love you.” _

_ “I love you, too.” _

 

-

 

Shiro, having spent a large portion of his life in the small island of Okinawa, and then the rest of it in the near-empty Texas deserts that housed the Garrison, he had never been on a traditional road trip. His first trip that was longer than a few hours wasn’t a road trip, either - unless the asteroid belt counted as a highway. 

So he had never understood the memes about the backseat of cars filled with whining children - he had been an only child, too, before Keith came kicking and scratching his way into Shiro’s life - and the grumpy parents growling at them in return. 

That is, until he got himself stuck in the universe’s longest-distance family vacation, and there were more than enough children to look after. Because the castle was lost, wormhole transportation only happened once every eight hours, and not for long distances. So they had a lot of flying and waiting to do. Everyone used different ways of coping with said time. Allura and Coran questioned Romelle, already working on plans to liberate the surviving Alteans, no doubt. Keith, after (somewhat happily) relinquishing his hold on the Black Lion, spent most of his time in Blue, and Shiro internally blanched every time their communication device was abruptly shut off. When he and Keith  _ weren’t  _ mysteriously off-line, though, Lance and Hunk sang Disney showtunes at obscure times, distracting Pidge from the project that she was working on (an alien translation earbud, though the only two languages it knew so far were Old Altean and Galran - neither of which had much use to them so far). Pidge would return the favor by letting out the longest string of curses Shiro had ever heard released by a sixteen year old. 

It made sleep difficult to come by. Not to say that Shiro enjoyed that very much. He knew it was mandatory for the body-  _ his _ body -to function well, and to be safe for the others to be near while he flew, but he most definitely didn’t enjoy the dreams that came with it.

_ Safe, _ hummed the Black Lion in the  back of his mind, and Shiro felt the room vibrate as she purred. He smiled, if only to ease her worry, but it was robotic. Forced.  _ Safe here. Protect my paladin. _

He supposed, after all that had happened to his body and consciousness, dreams were an inevitable addition to any amount of sleep. If he was lucky, they would be an abstract thought, nothing good and nothing bad, just another way of coping and familiarizing himself with every new concept introduced since his original kidnapping two years prior.

And boy, did he have enough fuel for those dreams to last him the rest of his life. In an ideal universe, he would cruise through the nights filled with Balmerae and Altean crystallized roses and the chaos inside wormholes. Not bad. Interesting, no doubt, but not bad. 

But then there were the ones where, after waking up, he could do nothing but lie there and choke on air, too frozen to even lift his arm and wipe at the tears rolling down his cheeks (that in itself made Shiro feel like a malfunctioning robot). The ones that were brimming with sharp teeth bared into smiles, restraints typing him down, a lack of pain medication with nothing to stop him from feeling every incision in his arm. There were heavy blades and roaring crowds and unadulterated terror - the type that only showed itself in the eyes of a person moments from death. These dreams were the ones that Shiro dreaded having, because there was always the chance that Black, sensing his fear, would roar to wake him or send distress signals to the other lions.

Both had happened before, sometimes at the same time. Explaining to everyone the few times it did was awkward at best, humiliating at worst.

And then there were the ones that, though it seemed impossible, were somehow worse. Ones that weren’t full of harsh, glowing yellow eyes, but instead gentle, brown ones, and a smile to match them. Ones that, in another time, he would never believe could be the worst thing to anticipate at night. 

Things changed.

 

-

 

_ “You know, even though he’s starting to grow on me, I still can’t believe you went out and adopted a kid over the weekend.” _

_ “He’s so funky.” _

_ “Takashi, if you don’t stop saying that-” _

_ “Make me, Adam.” _

_ “You dork.” _

_ … _

_ “Huh. Can’t believe that worked.” _

_ “Your mouth can do miracles.” _

_ “Fuck off. But I do like him. And you’re right. He’s… ugh. He’s funky. Are you happy?” _

_ “Very.” _

_ “That being said, he’s still a fucking gremlin.” _

_ “Adam!” _

_ “Takashi, you know he ate my Reese’s Puffs today? Out of the box. Stuck his grubby little hands right in there, who knows where they’ve been - stop laughing, asshole, I paid for them! - and took out a bowl’s worth of perfectly good puffs.” _

_ “I-” _

_ “Dumped them right into a bowl that already had milk in it-” _

_ “Adam-” _

_ “And ate two bites before telling me something. Do you want to know what he told me?” _

_ “I can’t- breathe-” _

_ “Do you want to know what he told me or not, ‘Kashi?” _

_ “Wh- what did he-” _

_ “He said, to my face, ‘I’m allergic to peanuts.’ And then he stabbed himself in the knee with an epipen.” _

_ “...And you let him?” _

_ “What was I supposed to do, take it out of his hands? Let him suffocate? And he’s completely fine, now, like nothing out of the ordinary even happened. Stop laughing, Takashi!” _

_ ‘Baby, I can’t-” _

_ “I had to throw the box away, because - Takashi, listen to me - he’s so fucking dirty. I can’t have that in my cereal. You can tell by his eyes. He doesn’t care about germs.” _

_ “Adam, honey, I-” _

_ “You brought pestilence itself into our household.” _

_ “...Sorry?” _

_ A sigh.  _

_ “It’s okay. I really do like him.” _

_ … _

_ “Kind of.” _

_ “Adam!” _

_ “...You know something?” _

_ “Yeah?” _

_ “He reminds me of you. Just a little.” _

_ “...Really?” _

_ “Don’t get a big head. It’s probably not a compliment.” _

_ “Too late.” _

_ … _

_ “I love you so much.” _

_ “I love you, too. Now let’s sleep, dork. I’ve got to give a lecture tomorrow.” _

 

-

 

The next wormhole jump their lions were able to make brought them to a small star with an even smaller planet orbiting it. A planet with visible disarray on the surface. Allura mentioned their low power, and the need for a rest - if push came to shove, Voltron would be rendered useless in any fight. Shiro pushed the steering handles downward anyway, and Black dipped closer to the planet. 

Allura argued against it, and Romelle fretted into the comm. Shiro considered turning it off, but that wouldn’t be very leaderly or morale-boosting of him. 

And that was his purpose, wasn’t it? Morale boosting. Leader. He had to be the leader. 

So, he instead settled for a comment about how enough people have lost their homes to the war. How they may be no different from the Alteans that needed help so long ago. That silenced them both. 

“...I agree with Shiro,” Lance muttered. “They need us. Now that the Galra have been defeated, are we supposed to stop helping the planets they’ve hurt?” A pause. “I don’t want our legacy to end like that.”

“Lance and Shiro are right,” Hunk piped up, voice small. “We might not have much power, but they don’t know that. We can help, even if it’s just a little. And they deserve that.”

“Besides,” Pidge added, “we’re gonna need somewhere to spend the night. Otherwise… our lions could give out at any moment when we’re flying. We wouldn’t be able to even reach each other.” 

That was enough convincing for Coran, and thus, Allura agreed. 

They needn’t have worried about wasting their dwindling power. Hunk was entirely correct - all Voltron needed to do was descend onto the surface of the planet, and the fighting ceased. 

It was almost instantaneous, the effect that the Legendary Defender had on them. As soon as they broke through the atmosphere, the chaos began to calm. By the time they landed on the ground, it was still. Thousands of soldiers fell to their knees in awe and gratitude, and the crows rippled as rows upon rows knelt. Their voices joined together in an ocean of hymn. 

None of the paladins could speak. What was there to say? Who among them could even breathe?

For once, Shiro felt present. Soul melded to body, gears that didn’t falter. He fell asleep to the sound of their whispered songs of worship, and dreamt of silver wedding bands.

 

-

 

_ “Coffee?” _

_ “Oh, always. You know me so well.” _

_ “You’ve got a physical today, right?” _

_ “Just precautionary. For Kerberos, you know how they are. They don’t want anything surprising us while I’m eight billion kilo’s away.” _

_ “Ha. You’re not nervous?” _

_ “It’s just like any other time I’ve gone in. No big deal.” _

_ “My fiancé, Takashi Shirogane, who’s been to space so many times that now it’s ‘no big deal.’” _

_ “You’ve had your fair share of adventures, too.” _

_ “Huh. I guess we’re pretty successful. Finish your bagel, ‘Kashi.” _

_ “You’re such a mother hen.” _

_ “I don’t see your mouth full.” _

_ “You’re killing me.” _

_ … _

_ “Happy?” _

_ “Very. And, Takashi?” _

_ “Yeah?” _

_ “Good luck. I love you.” _

_ … _

_ “What are you smiling about?” _

_ “Nothing. Just…” _

_ “...Just?” _

_ “I love kissing you. You’re beautiful.” _

_ … _

_ “And red, now. Very, very red.” _

_ “If you don’t get out of this kitchen right now then so help me I’m calling Keith and telling him to drive you himself.” _

_ “Haha. See you tonight, Adam. Love you too.” _

 

-

 

In the morning, the inhibitors of the planet came to them, thanking them (though, for what, Shiro was unsure. Defeating Haggar and her armies? Stopping the bloodshed between the members of their species? Being a source of hope? It was hard to decipher Coran’s translation). They spoke in their willowy, beautiful voices, offering celebrations in Voltron’s honor. Shiro smiled through it, though his jaw was held stiff and rigid at the thought of being put on display for what could be an entire night, and accepted. He was the leader. 

The others seemed excited, at least.

“This is more like it, huh, babe?”

“Lance, how many celebrations have we had since defeating Haggar alone?”

“Not enough.” Shiro didn’t have to turn to see Lance’s cheeky grin as he laced his arm through Keith’s. “In fact, it’s almost a sin. My face was made to be displayed on banners. I’m thinking, everywhere. Strung across cities, yeah?” They continued snipping at each other as the representative led the team towards what appeared to be the largest building in sight - a celebration hall, maybe. Shiro shook his head fondly. He never quite understood them, but he didn’t need to to know how much happier Keith was after they reunited. And, though he hadn’t known Lance quite as well back then, the difference in contentment was almost tangible.

They loved each other. And it showed. They stuck together, in battle and off the field, seeming to orbit each other in a subconscious knowledge that each time one moved, so would the other to echo. Each time one stepped forward, the other cleared the path. Each time one fell the other had already leapt to catch him. They found solace - no, not solace, they found  _ home  _ \- in each other. 

It made Shiro happy. And then, afterwards, it made him ache. 

Because he knew, in excruciating detail, exactly how Keith felt. He knew how Keith could feel the entire universe in his fingers when he held Lance’s hand. How the future seemed manageable - conquerable, even - when he pictured it with the one he loved. 

Shiro knew. And he felt pride swelling in his chest knowing that he watched it bloom before him. That he helped, even, though he knew that with or without his aid, it would have grown to adapt anyway. Because when something, someone, is meant to be, odds can be defied. 

He just wished that, for all the wisdom he had pretended to have, he might have put some of it to use when he’d had the chance. Even now, as the opportunity had long since left him, he longed to try for it again.

_ “He reminds me of you. Just a little.” _

But Keith had had nothing, then fought tooth and nail to get what he wanted from the universe. Shiro, though, had held everything in his hands. Then set it down. Then left it, praying it that would stay where it was, that it would wait for him.

Then gone and gotten himself killed.

He forced his smile wider and stepped into the hall, letting the humming of a thousand voices drown his own.

 

-

 

_ “Hello?” _

_ “Adam?” _

_ “Takashi! Why aren’t you calling from your regular number?” _

_ “It’s the hospital phone.” _

_ “You… don’t sound so good right now. Are you okay?” _

_ … _

_ “Takashi?” _

_ “They want you to be down here.” _

_ “Wh-” _

_ “They have questions, I guess. And I listed you as family, so I guess they want me to have emotional support?”  _

_ “Kashi, what are you saying?” _

_ “I don’t know.” _

_ “... Stay put. I’ll be there in ten. I love you so much, ‘Kashi.” _

_ [CALL ENDED] _

_ “I love you too.” _

 

-

 

The whole idea of fate was deeply wrapped around Shiro’s life. Since the first time he had gone into space, actually. 

It was a smaller mission, not one of the ones that he helped build his name with. Just a loop around Jupiter, setting up new cameras and the foundations for a future base on one of the larger moons. Ganymede, specifically. It was supposed to be a way of tracking the storms’ movements, in a way that the Garrison’s current satellites were inefficiently doing.

It wasn’t a big deal to the Garrison. They had just picked Shiro, with his soaring test scores, and given him the option of leaving the Earth for the first time. They could have picked any other able minded pilot to do the same. It wasn’t a monumental decision for them, not at the time. 

But for Shiro, receiving the offer had been an almost unparalleled moment in his life. Comparable only to his celebration party, when Adam had lunged across the room and kissed him square on the lips in hearing the news. The rest of his friends, the bartender, his team - everyone, really - had laughed and whooped when it had happened. Like they had all seen it coming. Like they had known it would happen eventually. Like it was preset - fate, if you would. 

Months later, floating in zero gravity by the window looking out at Earth, his once-home, the beautiful blue giant that gave life to their system, he realized that he had been fated to be looking down on it. 

_ Or, _ he corrected himself as Adam had come up behind him, kissing him under his jaw with a shy smile,  _ he had been fated to look down on it at Adam’s side.  _ This was his life. This would be the rest of his life. He would have this, if nothing else. Because it was fate.

And if that was so, then what a gutting feeling it had been, five years later, being diagnosed with an incurable disease that would take the rest of it away from him.

 

-

 

_ “We’re very sorry, Mr. Shirogane.” _

 

-

 

Keith proposed to Lance that night. It was on the balcony - private, intimate, not somewhere that had attention on it, so as to give Lance the option to decline without any pressure or disappointment. Shiro knew his little brother well. 

He also knew Lance well, which is why he wasn’t surprised when, after Lance (obviously) said yes, he came bursting through the doors with tears of joy on his face and whooped at the top of his lungs. A sharp contrast to the voices of their hosts, really, but he didn’t seem to care in the slightest. Hunk was crying almost instantaneously, crushing the two of them in a bear hug. Shiro congratulated them both, and raised a toast.

He was happy for them. In fact, happy was an understatement; he was overjoyed. His little brother, the same child that stole his car upon first meeting him, yelling and spitting at those who tried getting close to him, had learned to accept love. Learned to chase it, even. Hold onto it and keep it close.

Shiro watched as, starting with Lance and Keith, the team began their descent on the dance floor - either being pulled away by one another, like Romelle and Allura, or being swept off by ambassadors eager to offer their hands, like a disgruntled looking Pidge. 

The music was soft, sweet, but like everything else on the planet it had a sense of reaching, of longing, of a memory that you wished wasn’t just that. And Shiro was reminded once again of the only person  _ he _ wanted to dance with. 

He declined the hand of another ambassador and went outside on the balcony. There he stood, looking at the night sky and stretching his metal fingers. Curling them back in. He wished he could feel it.

 

-

 

_ … _

_ “Takashi-” _

_ “Adam.” _

_ “I’m serious.” _

_ “And so am I. It’s okay.” _

_ “How can you even say that?” _

_ “Because it’s true.” _

_ “...You seem to be the only person who thinks so.” _

_ “And maybe I should know better than the others.” _

_ “Better than trained doctors,  ‘Kashi?” _

_ “They’re not trained in this. They don’t even know what it is.” _

_ “They seem to know enough.” _

_ “It doesn’t mean anything.” _

_ “Takashi, why are you doing this?” _

_ “It doesn’t. I’ll be fine. Better than fine. I’m not going to die when I have such a nice future ahead of me.” _

_ … _

_ “Adam?” _

_ “I’m just scared for you.” _

_ “Don’t be. I love you. Everything will be okay.” _

_ “Takashi…” _

_ “I promise.” _

 

-

 

“Shiro?” Lance’s voice, though somewhat wobbly (likely from the drink in his hand), was unmistakable. Shiro winced. 

“You’re missing your own engagement party, Lance.”

“‘Maybe. They’ll get over it. I’m fine where I am right now. Besides, there’ll be another, if I know my mom and sister. They won’t let us rest without having one on Earth.” He meandered over to the balcony - his legs were a little too clunky and his shoulders a bit too tense to be casual, Shiro noticed - and leaned on the rail. “So. How’s… how's it been?”

Shiro sighed, smile dropping. “Lance,” he said. 

“What?” 

“You’re not subtle.” Lance’s cheeks flushed, and he looked down, mumbling something that Shiro couldn’t quite catch. 

“Huh?”

“I said, neither are you.”

Shiro swallowed his words. Lance was right - of course he was right. Shiro didn’t expect nobody to ever notice, but he’d thought that he might be able to get back to Earth before they did. 

He sighed, and sat down. 

“Sorry. Maybe that was a little harsh,” Lance said. He sounded guilty. He shouldn’t have felt guilty though - he was just doing what he knew Shiro would always try to. 

“You know, Lance,” he huffed, smiling a little bit, “you’ve got some of the Black Lion in you.”

“...Really?”

“Yeah. Really.”

“Huh.” Lance’s voice was smaller for a moment. “Thanks.” Then his shoulders straightened and he picked his chin up. “But you know that I won’t drop it that easy, yeah?”

“What? Lance, I wasn’t-“

“Yeah, yeah, don’t worry about it, Shiro. It’s okay,” he said with a dismissing hand wave. Shiro felt guilt stabbing at his chest. Another thing he failed to do. Lance lifted his pointer finger and pointed at him. “But you, Shiro. You aren’t. You aren’t okay,”

“What do you mean?”

Lance huffed. “What do you think? I mean, not to be blunt, but. Well.” He took a breath. Exhaled. Opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Huffed again. 

“Lance, I-”

“You died, Shiro. You were dead. Yeah?” The words were like a slap to the face. Because, even being months ago, it was true - Shiro  _ was _ dead. They had worried. They had helped. And then, they had moved on. It was a thing of the past, and everyone treated it as such. Everyone, it seemed, except for Lance. 

“I-”

“You thought things would be okay again after, yeah, because you had the others, but it wasn’t sinking in then and now it has.” He lifted his chin. “You’re panicking, Shiro. You’ll go crazy if you keep trying to hide it.”

Shiro tried for a moment to say something, but all he really managed was to open and close his mouth on repeat like a fish out of water. Because Lance was… Lance was right. And Shiro didn’t know how he’d been so transparent. How he’d let go of himself enough to screw up the one thing he had always needed to keep doing - being the leader. He was supposed to be there for the team. He wasn’t supposed to drag them down.

“...Was I really that obvious?” was what he finally managed to get out. But Lance just shrugged. 

“I mean, no? Not at all, really,” he answered with a shake of the head. 

“Then how did you… how?”

“How did I what?” This was wrong. All wrong. Why wasn’t Lance frustrated? This was  _ his night _ , damn fit, he just got  _ engaged _ . He shouldn’t be having to deal with this. 

Shiro exhaled angrily, aggressively. “How did you know? If I wasn’t obvious, how do you know so much?” And then, Lance was quiet - silent, in fact - which was worse, so Shiro kept talking. “It’s your engagement night. We’re going home. Everyone’s celebrating and you probably have more reason than anyone to have your mind on other things. So- so how do you-” he waved his hands, gestured around him, to everything, to nothing, “-how do you still have the time to know, word for word, how I’m feeling?” 

Lance stayed quiet, and Shiro realized too late that he was absolutely not supposed to have outbursts like that. Shiro was the leader. Shiro was the calm one.  _ Patience yields focus. _ Wasn’t that what Shiro would always say?   _ Patience yields focus _ .

“Sorry,” he said. “You didn’t- you didn’t deserve that. I’m really sorry, Lance.” 

“Shiro…” Lance trailed off quietly, laughing quietly, but he wasn’t smiling. “Did… did nobody tell you?”

Shiro felt his stomach fill with dread, heavy and cold. “Tell me what?” Lance just grimaced and looked away. 

“That’s a no, I guess.”

“Lance-”

“I died too, Shiro.” His heart dropped. It felt like a punch in the jaw, and he was sure his was hanging open, but Lance seemed determined not to look at Shiro’s face. “There was a solar flare, it was heading for Blue and Allura. I guess I kinda just. I just. Well, it was on instinct, you know? I jumped in front.” And then he looked up again, and seemed to startle at Shiro’s face. “She brought me back later, though! It’s okay.”

“You… died,” Shiro repeated. Lance nodded. 

“And I mean, I guess that deep down I know I must be… real, I guess, because, well. I don’t know. But it’s like, am I? Really? Am I even alive anymore, you know? Feels like I’m still dead, sometimes.”

“Lance-”

“And I wasn’t even dead for that long,” he said quickly, with a wave of his hand, and it hurt to see him so dismissive. “I mean, what, it could only have been half an hour. But  _ you _ . You were dead for months.” Shiro flinched. Lance noticed, and put a hand on his shoulder. His next words were spoken gently. “So, it can’t feel alright, Shiro. You can’t just be fine, and maybe the others don’t get that, but I do. And you can’t hide yourself away, yeah? We’re your family.”

Shiro’s throat felt swollen. He sat down, and Lance did the same. 

“I… Lance, how much did Keith tell you about me? When I was on the Kerberos mission. Or after you got back together.” He shook his head. “How…  _ much _ did he tell you?”

“I mean, he said you had shitty taste in cereal, but…” Lance laughed a little. “Not anything personal. I didn’t really want him to. Well. I kind of wanted to be able to find out on my own.” Shiro smiler at that. Took a deep breath. 

“On Earth, a year before Kerberos, I was diagnosed with a chronic illness. The doctors couldn’t tell me much about it, but my muscles were dying… fast. I, well. Let’s just say that Kerberos was going to be my last hurrah before I stopped any further space travel.”

He looked at Lance, expecting to see a look of pity. He instead saw one of compassion. Of support. And he was very strongly reminded of how proud he was to have Lance on his team. 

“Now that I’m in a different body, well. I guess they forgot to add that little detail.” He thought of Adam, of his sad eyes and quiet tears in the doctor’s office. 

_ We’re very sorry, Mr. Shirogane. _

“I guess that’s not entirely a bad thing,” he amended with a small smile. “But now… I don’t even feel like I’m Shiro. This isn’t my body. This isn’t my hair. I’m not even-”  _ sick _ “-the same person I was before.” He sighed. “Feels like I’m not even Shiro at this point.”

“Shiro,” Lance started. “Maybe… maybe you’ve changed.” Shiro clenched his jaw and looked downwards. “Maybe you’re different. I mean, hell, maybe you’re almost an entirely new person. Maybe the clone was more like how you were than... well, than how you are now.” With each word, Shiro felt his muscles tense. As Lance took a pause, breathing quietly for a moment, he waited tensely for a final blow to come.

“But man, listen. You’re never gonna stop being Shiro.” He wasn’t expecting that. He froze, slowly lifting his head back up to look at Lance. “No matter what changes you’ve gone through - and man, you were dead for months, you’ve got every right to change - you’re always going to be our Shiro. Even if you don’t feel like it… you’re always gonna be you.”

Shiro was stunned, completely silent as Lance looked over with a smile. He stared, wide eyed, back at him. 

“Lance, I don’t- I…” He struggled for the words, hoping that he would be able to get his point across otherwise. Lance understood.    
“It’s okay. Really, Shiro.” He let the moment sink in, let it wash over the both of them, and then he grinned with his usual smile. “I mean, I guess I’m just awesome at comforting people, yeah?”

“Ha. Yeah, Lance.”

“And… you know, we’re only a few wormholes away, Allura told me. From Earth, I mean. Five or less, depending on how much fuel these guys-” he jerked his thumbs at the party going on inside “-are willing to give. So. Probably just… a few days, you know? Until you can see your man again.”

“Huh?” Shiro was brought up short, shocked, as a single syllable of confusion was all that managed to escape him. “What a- Lance, what are you-”

“Okay, okay, so Keith might have told me one or two things,” Lance hedged, “but nothing huge. I don’t even know his name, yeah? But I was all like,  _ haha Keith, what if Shiro’s mad that we’re together, haha,  _ you know, all like,  _ what if he’s homophobic on the low _ , and it was a big fear of mine, yeah? Because you were like. Well, my idol and everything. All that juicy stuff. I was just scared. So he told me that you had a boyfriend. Fiancé?” Lance’s voice was getting faster, the words a little louder, and Shiro found himself smiling. “And I really didn’t know much about Mystery Man, but I’m guessing that you’ve been thinking about him a lot, because you’ve got that faraway look in your eyes at morning breakfast and when you’re watching a planet go past, and I’m sorry, but you said to me once that you were still trying to fix things, and I just figured you’d want to see him so you could finally do it andI’mreallysorryShiroIshouldn’thavesaidanyth-”

“Lance,” Shiro laughed, and he quieted instantly, looking rather like a deer in headlights. “Remember to breathe.” Lance did. 

“I’m not mad. I’m just… surprised.” He chuckled lightly. “You were paying a lot closer attention than I was.”

“Are…” Lance ventured, seemed to decide against it, but then continued anyway, “are you going to try again with him?”

Shiro sighed. Was he? Did he deserve a second chance with Adam, after making the decision to leave knowing that Adam might not be there he came back? If he came back?

“I don’t know,” he eventually said. “I don’t know how he is, back on Earth. He probably thinks I’ve. Well. He probably thinks I’m dead by now.”

“But you’re not,” Lance pressed. “You’re alive, and a savior of the damn universe. And, Shiro? Even more than that… you’re you.” He turned to look at Shiro’s eyes. “And that’s more important than any title you’ve had. On Earth or out here. Yeah? You feel me?”

Shiro smiled, but he felt his face getting warm. “Lance, you might just be wasting your words. He’s. Well.” His smile faded quickly. “He’s probably never going to forgive me.”

“Do you really believe that, or are you trying to make yourself think so?” When Shiro didn’t answer, Lance continued. “You know, a wise, gray-haired, old geezer of a man once told me… Sometimes, people make bad decisions. And in that moment, all you can do is try to make it better, and that’s, well, that’s it. That’s all you can do.” He paused. “That geezer is you, but you don’t look any older than when you got blasted up here, which is honestly is really unfair.”

“Um. Thanks?”

“Anytime! Anyway, Shiro, the man we all followed to the ends of the universe has never given up on us. You’ve never given up on anyone. And, well… I know that, even if you’re not sure yet, you’re not gonna give up on yourself here.” 

There was a loaded pause, thick and heavy and filled with what Shiro knew was the truth. Then it broke.

“Because you’re not gonna give up on him.”

The words rang in Shiro’s ears, and even as Lance stood up and hugged Shiro, telling him that he needed to get back to the party -  _ Keith might have proposed, but I’ll be damned if I don’t beat him in that shot game like I promised to do earlier  _ \- he found himself sitting on the balcony a little while longer. 

 

-

 

Shiro wanted his home back. Which, really, was an odd statement, because he didn’t have one. He didn’t even know what it was.

It could be Earth, right? It was where he grew up. It was where he learned everything he needed to know to follow his dreams, chase his destiny, shape it, even. It was where he lived for two and a half decades, though he travelled far and wide across it, he always knew without doubt that he was on Earth - where else would he be?

But it wasn’t Earth. It wasn’t his home. He searched through the memories of Okinawa, the Noodle House and jungle gym near his house, the rocky beaches and almost-warm water, and felt nothing but fond recognition. He shuffled through what was his life in Texas, in the Garrison, and came up empty-handed once again.

Maybe the castle, though. The Castle of Lions. The regal, majestically welcoming and equipped place that it had been. 

But there was no warmth from it. Nothing other than a feeling, a hunch, that it was a temporary holding space. It would leave him soon. And that was right. 

Among everyone and everything in space - since Earth was obviously out of the question - nothing compared quite to the Black Lion. Feeling sometimes like an extension of Shiro’s very soul, one that he could hear, feel, sense, even then as she slept and recharged, she was the closest thing he had to familiarity after being brought back to life. A holding ground for his soul as it - he - refused to move on, she was the holy ground upon which he was blessed to stand. Five months with her, listening to him, caring for him, holding him as he was dead. 

But was a coffin home to its inhabitants?

He didn’t know. He didn’t know. He desperately, so desperately needed somewhere, a place, a feeling, a person, to keep his heart with, knowing that for once it would be safe. And he knew that once, in a time filled with peppered kisses and skewed glasses, that he must have had it. 

He wanted his home back. He needed his home back, or he would go crazy; never belonging, never settling, he needed it back, but how could he find it, reclaim it, if he didn’t even know what it was?

That’s a lie - he knew exactly who. 

_ You’re not gonna give up on him.  _

Shiro wasn’t.

 

-

 

_ “Takashi…” _

_ “Adam.” _

_ … _

_ “You know I can’t give you the answer that you want.” _

_ “...I know.” _

_ … _

_ “You’ve always been stubborn like that.” _

_ … _

_ “And I wouldn’t change that for the world.” _

_ “I-” _

_ “Takashi, just let me… just-” _

_ … _

_ “Just let me do this, okay?” _

_ “...Okay.” _

_ “Okay.” _

_ … _

_ “I’m always going to love you, yeah?” _

_ … _

_ “I don’t think I’ll stop even when I die.” _

_ … _

_ “And because I love you, I... ha. I-” _

_ … _

_ “I couldn’t ever be mad at you for choosing your dream.” _

_ … _

_ “Because you were always mine.” _

_ … _

_ “Fuck, baby, don’t cry, okay? I’m serious, ‘Kashi, I’ll start too, you know that I’m never p- that I’m always an- I’m always.” _

_ … _

_ “I’m always an ugly crier.” _

_ “You’re beautiful.” _

_ “Ha. You’re such a pompous asshole. I’m trying to give a speech, here.” _

_ … _

_ “I’m never going to forget about you. Yeah?” _

_ “...I never will either.” _

_ “And I know that. Which is why I hope… I’ll always hope…” _

_ … _

_ “God, that sounds so stupid. I’m sorry. I-” _

_ … _

_ “I love you, Takashi Shirogane. And leaving you is the hardest decision I’ve ever made.” _

 

-

 

Four days later, Shiro stood on Adam’s door.  It was the same complex that they’d had all those years ago - Lance and Keith had found it hilarious that he remembered that but not Iverson’s first name - and he wondered to himself if it looked the same. If there were still hanging plants by their kitchen’s window. If there was still an annoying crack in the ceiling that was just too high up for Adam to fix by himself. If the couch still had a stain on it from the time Keith spilled Red Bull out of his wine glass. 

But mostly, Shiro just wanted to know if Adam was still too scared to swat the spiders that occasionally made their way into the living room. If the dew that collected on the window ever did manage to make it squeaky, because Adam always liked looking at it too much to wipe it off. If the TV still played the classical music channel when he’d had a rough day, when he wanted to think, when he needed desperately to calm himself down, when things were just too overwhelming to deal with alone. 

“Maybe he’s not even home,” Shiro muttered, to Lance, to himself. 

“All you can do is try, Shiro,” Lance reminded him softly, standing just to his right. “Even when it scared the pants off your tight little ass. Because… because some people are worth it.”

He turned to Shiro and gave his shoulder a squeeze. 

“I’m with you always, Mister Big Boss Leader. But... this is something that you deserve to do alone.” He started jogging toward the Black Lion, comically parked in the Garrison’s lot. The sun was bright, and it shone harshly in Shiro’s eyes, as the wings extended and the air started humming. Lance quickly boarded the lion. Shiro smiled proudly as Lance McClain, the Blue, Red, and finally Black Paladin of Voltron, flew into the sky. 

_ I’m gonna take Keith to Cuba. You know Veronica will kill me if I don’t have him over there yesterday. _

Shiro turned back to the door. His arm felt like metal - his  _ left  _ one, no pun intended - and he breathed in. Out. In again. And out. 

Two knocks. 

Maybe Adam wasn’t home. 

Footsteps nearing the door. 

It could just be a house sitter.

They stopped right behind the door, undoing the locks that Shiro helped buy.

Maybe someone else lived there now,  _ maybe Iverson forgot Adam had moved- _

And then the door opened, and Shiro was met with the beautiful brown eyes that he’d fallen in love with when he was only seventeen years old, hair that had always been just messy enough to warrant a little teasing, mouth turned into a perpetual little frown that always perfectly matched his ever-inquisitive tongue, and-

Adam. Trailing softly out of the living room was Debussy’s Clair De Lune. Adam. Shiro was standing, face to face, with Adam. 

His mouth was no longer in a frown, but in a tiny “o” that shot broken glass through Shiro’s heart, because God,  _ he’d missed him so much _ . 

“...Takashi?”

Shiro smiled. “Hey, Adam.”

His eyes welled up with tears, fogging his glasses. “Takashi, is that you? Oh my God, I thought- I thought you were-”

And then he jumped into Shiro’s arms, and he was crying, and Shiro felt his heart beating,  _ really beating  _ in his chest, for the first time in six months since being resurrected by Allura in his new body, _his_  body, and then he was crying too. 

“I missed you,” He whispered. “I missed you so much, Adam.”

“You stupid… fucking… moron...” Adam wailed between rounds of hiccups. “I thought you were dead, and all I could think about was… what if… what if I never…” 

“Me too, baby,” Shiro stroked his hair without even thinking about it, hand on the back of his neck and fingers moving steadily through the messy curls. “I saw you every time I closed my eyes.”

Adam pushed him away fiercely, and Shiro stumbled backwards on the porch. His eyes were wild. “And I’m fucking glad you did, you asshole!” He wiped his tears, hiccupped, and kept going. “You better have seen me every damn minute you were up there! And you’re not gonna stop, either. Stupid fucking goddamn, piece-of-shit fiancé, that can’t go to a damn moon without being kidnapped, by aliens, yeah, by worthless, evil fucking, piece-of-shit aliens, Takashi Shirogane! You aren’t gonna stop seeing me  _ any  _ time soon.” 

Shiro laughed, a happy - no, delighted - no, not even that, this was just called loving - sound that he hadn’t heard himself make in years, and wiped his tears again. 

“You thought seeing me every time you closed your eyes was bad? Ha, you’re gonna be right next to me when you fucking  _ open  _ them, you prick, and all the time in between. Fuck. I’m not letting you out of my sight for  _ months _ , and that’s if you’re lucky.”

Shiro’s face hurt from smiling so hard. “I think I can live with that.”

Adam’s face went from purple, to red, to pink as his breathing slowed. Shiro knew there was more he wanted to say - and he’d hate to interrupt. He just kept on smiling, didn’t think he could ever really stop, because Adam was standing right in front of him, and he felt  _ alive  _ again. 

“You…” He started, and then sighed. “You’ll use your new hand to kill the spiders, and you’ll wash it off afterwards before you even  _ think  _ about touching me with it that night.”

“Easy.”

“You’ll introduce me to your friends. I… I’ve missed out on enough of your life.”

“They’ve already come to love you. Allura tried to convince the others to let her come down with me earlier.”

“You’ll tell me all about the types of creatures up in space.”

“I’m shit at remembering their names, but I’ve got pictures of them just for you.”

“Pictures?”

“Pictures.”

“...You’ll drive me to Italy in your big ship.”

“I’ll reserve the hotel?” Shiro offered with a tilt of his head and a small grin.

“No. You’ve got awful taste in hotels,” Adam’s voice was tiny now. “And. You’ll…” Shiro waited. “You’ll agree to marry me again?”

“That’s more than fair.” Shiro reached out a hand. Adam took it, they flew together like magnets, and Shiro could swear sparks flew as they kissed for the first time in years. 

“You wanna come inside?” Adam asked breathlessly as they broke apart.

“Yeah,” Shiro whispered, unable to keep the grin off his face.

“...It’s good to have you back home, Takashi.”

“It’s good to be home, Adam.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!! This is a companion piece to my other fic, Whisper Something (I'll Sing It Back To You). Kudos are appreciated. Comments are read, re-read, replied to, and cried over. 
> 
> Also I'm posting this at 1:30 AM the day s7 comes out because I'm so scared of what'll happen that I spent all day fixing it up.  
> UPDATE: what, pray tell, the fuck were the writers smoking


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